my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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