I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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