my soul wont recognize me after tonight
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
