none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I think i got beer on your cat.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
