you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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