***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
