And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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