so that wasnt chicken after all
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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