she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
