Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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