it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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