Where are you?
In a non slutty way
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
