oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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