i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
