I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize