Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
