I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
