I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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