So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
