He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
