fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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