how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
