finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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