I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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