Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
