I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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