I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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