When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
