i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
