Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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