woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
