youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can't talk, ducks in the car
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize