You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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