i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
