The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
