sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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