Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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