I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
3pm strippers are depressing
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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