I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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