I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
