Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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