My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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