Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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