What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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