i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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