i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
