I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
