Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
