when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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