i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
