Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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