note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
