don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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