found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
