Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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