Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
